Jul 23, 2015

I gave up

You know how men have selective hearing?  I believe I have selective commitment.  I've been committed to Hardy since I first laid eyes on him - yes, I have.  I'm committed to Persephone and my family.  I'm committed to my friends.  I'm even committed to some books and bands.  But I cannot seem to commit to diet and exercise.  WHY?!  WHY?!  I don't enjoy being overweight and flabby...but I'm just so damn lazy.

I tried that Contrave pill for 1mo...it made no difference.  Not even any crazy side effects.  So I stopped taking it.  I don't know what I was expecting.  Maybe some energy?  Maybe some appetite suppression?  Anything...but I got nothing.  I don't eat all day long, hell I don't even snack on sweets or junk.  My issue is portion control and lack of exercise.  When I eat dinner, I almost always have seconds - bad bad bad.  I know what's good and what's not...but I refuse to make myself do the work.

I even went to a workout class a few weeks ago.  It was a private group session.  I loved it, I worked my ass off...I sweat like a pig.  I hurt for 3 days afterward, but I still felt pumped up about it.  So what's holding me back?  The cost of a gym membership.  The cost to do the group session.  I can't really afford to either.  Some people may argue, your life is worth it.  You don't want to have a heart attack or stroke...or develop diabetes.  No, you're right...I don't want any of that.  But daycare pretty much absorbs all of our "extra" money.  I'm not going to pull Persephone out of daycare so I can work out.

I've got to find my niche.  I haven't always been fat.  Yes, I said it...fat.  No one in my family is really even obese.  But I'm without a doubt obese.  Granted I never played sports in school, but I didn't consume 3,000 calories a day either.  I'm not sure what changed or when it changed, but post-baby it hasn't gotten any easier to lose it.  I don't expect to be high school skinny again, hell if I did that I would appear anorexic (even though I wasn't.)  But I need to lose about 65lbs to be "healthy."

Why am I so damn lazy?  Why can't I see past the heat and sweating and just do it?

Wah wah wah

End crybaby post.

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