Roller coaster of love

When they say your hormones go out of whack during and after pregnancy they ain't kidding. I recently told my mom and a few friends I feel bipolar at times. One minute I'm happy and not anxious at all about knowing what to do and how to take care of Persephone and the next I cry because something doesn't go my way.

For example the other day I was pumping and when I went to screw on the lid of the bottle I knocked the other bottle into the floor and completely wasted 2.5oz of breast milk. What did I do? Stormed upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom for a temporary cry.

My mom was sweet enough to stay the weekend with us (for those of you who don't know she lives 3hrs away in Alabama) and both Friday and Saturday night she tended to Persephone and let Hardy and I get some much needed rest. She also gave us some great tips on listening to her crying cues. Of course she had to return home Sunday and I cried. Cried because I knew I would miss her help and sad that she can't be here more often and cried because I know she wishes she was closer so she could see Persephone more often.

Sunday I got a horrid migraine that stuck with me until about 2am this morning. ***I hadnt had any migraines my entire pregnancy....now they're back?!? aghh

Needless to say Monday was a real challenge for me. Taking care of a newborn is one thing, but trying to do it while you don't feel good is another challenge. Luckily I have Hardy here to help me (and unfortunately he goes back to work Friday...I'll probably cry again).

I don't mean for this to be a pity post, but I am being honest. I love my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for the world, but this parenting thing is pretty intense! On top of being emotional I've still been trying to tackle breastfeeding/pumping. As some of you may already know because I've text you about it!!

I started off breastfeeding but we never got it 100% which lead to Persephone not peeing/pooping good and she ended up in the hospital for jaundice. That's all behind us now because my milk came in the same day she was admitted into hospital and I started pumping. I've been exclusively pumping since then. This past Saturday though while my mom was here we tried latching her on the breast again and she did great, didn't seem like the bottle had tainted her. She didn't stay latched long though and resorted back to wiggling, kicking, fussing and turning her head side to side even though she had the nipple in her mouth the entire time. Of course when she does this and starts to fuss then I get frustrated and I know babies can sense that so I throw my hands up and go back to bottle. I feel comfortable knowing she's still getting the benefits of my breast milk even if its not direct. But I'm not perfect at it. During the day I always pump every 2-3hrs, but at night I basically have to kick myself to pump --- now why should that be so hard to do when it's making sure you have proper food for your baby?!? Shouldn't my brain tell my ass to get up and do it? That's when I feel like a failure. Pumping isn't painful, but its somewhat time consuming when you consider how often you have to do it and since that's all I'm doing for her feedings, I'm usually only 2 bottles ahead of her at a time. So when I choose to be lazy in the middle of the night and not pump, I'm hurting my supply...and then hurting my feelings because I didn't do it for her.

Gosh this all sounds so depressing!! I am ok, I think I do have baby blues, but I don't believe I have PPD. I know in time it will get easier and we'll all be in tune with one another, but for now this is how my experience has been...

On a side note I would like to say hearing her poot makes me LOL.